Life of a mess of a Dreamer.

Some time ago I was tempted by myself to close down this little blog of mine.
But part of me inside is not willing.
I wrote out my life and all the physical sensation I felt inside me,
seriously praying that no one is to plagiarize my pieces.
However,for the shades of grey I am feeling right now after reading my past blog post,
it is certainly not and never is my intention to emofied myself or my readers.
(Of course, if there are any readers)

I felt bad enough if my blog has ever made someone sad, I apologized.
It might not be a wise decision to close down my blog,
knowing that some of my friends might still be interested in reading it.

Way back to last week,
I had my very best day with my bunch of friends and my lovely sister on Thursday.
Lil.Yvonne and I are so excited about the Genting Highland trip and few's birthday celebrations,
though there is some issues arose with the new room-mate.
In the end the bunch of us managed only to have fun on two themed-park games,
which is the Merry-go-round(I forced them to take it with me) and The Flying Elephant(This I did not forced them) due to heavy mist and rain,
we did enjoyed much though.








Dinner at the famous steamboat restaurant with all eight of them was indeed very pleasant and delightful,
and I have someone to send me back to Sierramas!
That day was a magical day.








Mamsie is going to Thailand for a few days.
My, how am I going to survive?
I still have a little sister to feed to.
I missed her already,
like a child misses her blanket.
She kept sharing her cooking tips to me,
but I swore to her I was fine.
Well, we will see.
A little bit of malnutrition in me for a few days won't be a biggie, I guess?

Right now,
I wish there is someone who can lift my feet off the ground and sing me a song.
Y.

Thorny Roses.

The room have never seems this cold before.
I have never been so hurt.
Both humiliated and angry.
Believe me,
I had tried extremely hard not to scream.
My lips were frozen in great fear.
As you go on and on,
with your words like swords and razor blades,
I just shook my head and stared at you,
in disbelief.
in great despair.



As I look back,
way back way back to the moment I said I love you,
I was serious.
Were you? I wonder.
You brought me to tears every single time,
Even now.
I should have known,
that you are not the exception from any other guy out there.
No matter how hard I tried,
I can't seem to keep up to your pace.

Your words were so sharp,
and I had died a little bit inside.
My mistake,
I thought you are different from her.
I was wrong.
Past memories,
I'm all lost now.

I don't wanna feel this way.
Only 19, but tired. Very.
With nothing is fine,
I wanna get outta here.
It may hurt so much,
but I will try to hold on tight.
Y.

Lady by the Lake

Off her face, she pulls back a thick strand of her hair.
With the sun shining gloriously,
her gaze locked onto the baby-blue sky.
It's a cloudless sunny day but her heart melts like the snow.

It's funny when it comes to love,
you seem elated ; you seem miserable.
The urge for her to leave is strong,
and it cause her almost to stumble on a curb and twist her ankle.
She lost herself somewhere on the way.
She says she could use some help along the way.
So I showed her what it was to cry.



The water around her was peaceful.
and she once saw some baby fish.
She held her chin up high,
just staring blankly at the sky,
and she realised,
she's not alone.
She will never be alone.

When I wake up tomorrow,
everything is going to be fine.
When I wake up tomorrow,
the sun will shines out bright.
I could use some cheering up.
and I miss God.
I miss God.

Fearless.

Please stop all the judgement and questions.
for I don't deserve any of them.

Please keep the reservation of your sympathy to yourself,
for I don't need any of your sympathies lies.

I could go back to my every laugh whenever I want to,
I have everything figured out myself,
Yes, I fell down from the cliff.
Once again, I'm hurt and can trust no one,
something has gone terribly wrong,
and I'm trying hard to swallow my pain.
You can said that I'm foolish,
but you can't said that I'm not trying.

I guess I'm fine,
I bet that I will be fine,
I tell you,
I ain't gonna fall anymore.
I will rise from the ground and get back up,
just in case you were wondering.

Well, as for now,
I guess I will just close my eyes,
tied myself together with a smile,
and said to myself:
"Get well soon, Yvette."

Y.

Paris dream of mine.

First time sketching Eiffel Tower with my free hand.



It's always a dream of mine,

to be in Paris,

eating macarons,

sipping tea,

but this dream is yet to come true.

One day, with Lil.Yvonne eh?

Till then.

Y.

The Weather,the Sky,the Daily Routine

I'm pretty upset with the weather these days.
It's raining everyday and everywhere!
with the humidity running low outside,
I can't even take a walk or picking up flowers at the park.
besides the uncomfortable misty drops,
the vampires're coming back too,leaving itchy scars all over me.
Somehow I felt lucky I've not been bitten on the neck. (Too much Vampire's Diaries,I guess)



Been staying home lately after the ever-exhausting exams,
Frankly,there's never a competition between home and HR.
It felt so good to be with Lil.Yvonne again,
A Girls-outing on Monday was indeed very pleasant,
and I can't wait for our next outing again!
After all those tiring working days,
Oh,sometimes girls just wanna have fun! :)

I found my own sweet time relaxing on mom's bedroom coach,reading my book,
with warm beams of sunlight shines through the window,
No interruptions here,laying there undisturbed.
I'm at peace.





and I can't help but hoping and praying that I will be that peaceful for the rest of my life.
Y.

Beautiful Dreamer

I have my heart broken twice after watching "Beautiful Dreamer".
First time, I cried like there's no tomorrow.
Second time,I still encountered a few sharp pain invading my chest.
I remembered all those heart-wrenching moments.



It's not about the war,
It's not about the memories loss,
It's all about love.



Sometimes, love just can't get enough,
but other times, you wish you never have been in love.
Once you fell for someone,
you can't escape.
It's like you're in a maze puzzle,
only without the Exit Doors.

Sometimes I wished people would never fell in love,
if only I can get you outta my friggin' mind.
Y.

Il mio cuore è rotto

Huge sigh,I bent my head down.
Tears are dripping sore as I shakes my head,
My hands are clenching into a fist.
I guess I just couldn't take this anymore.

Yes,
I'm over-reacted.
I'm so insecure.
My patience is fading fast,
My mood is swinging, up and down,without any secure rhythm,
Never in my life I felt so alone,
Never in my life I felt this broken,
This feeling is so discomfort.
I'm so bloody in pain,
and I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I realized,
I'm not the only girl in this town.
There's more than one petal on a rose.
There's more than one bird in the sky.

Coldest eyes.
You've got the coldest eyes and the softest smile.
Your memories hurts the most.
How could an angel brings me unstoppable salt tears?
I'm so drunk in pain these days.

I can't go on living this way,
I wanna feel alive again.
I wanna breath life into the dead sea.
I don't want to lost control anymore.
Please Yvette, just once.

Someone catch me as I fall.
Y.

As my world turn.

Desire.
is the thing I mostly need now.
I need to lust for something to keep me going.
I'm stuck at nowhere,
something inside me is fluttering,
my hands is shaking,
and I don't know which way to go.

It's deep inside,
I can feel it,
but I can't tell what it is.
It's creepy,
it's tight,
and frustrating,
I wanna make a quick getaway.

Oh my,I think I'm losing myself,
it's like someone took my heart away and turned it inside out.
even swimming at night doesn't help.
I guess it's time for me to wave the white flag,
and turn myself in to Him completely.
There, maybe I will survive again.
Y.

You'll think of me.

Slowly, you embraced me.
With your strong arms as I paced forward.
I hold on my breath,
tried really hard not to picture you waving goodbye at me.
It was a quick hug,
short and simple,
safe and secure.
You made us think that you are worth the while,
for us to wait for the day you return.

To you, everything is beautiful.
You have no reason to be sad.
You seems cheerful everyday,
though there have been tough days.
Time seems to slow down whenever you're around.
Oh, how I wish you could stay longer,


same place,same target.

Saturday night,
Stood there and watched you gone sitting on the passenger side.
You seems to keep your emotions perfectly under control.
I can see your unwillingness,
It's written all over your face.
I looked away as you waved at us,
pretended to be caught on something,
blame it on my emotions inside,
I couldn't bring myself to meet your eyes,
I don't wanna break down,
I don't wanna to have this weird feeling.
In fact I felt a whole lot better when I turn myself away,
knowing that you will think of me when your're not with us.
I should never say goodbye because:
"Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting." - Peter pan


Well,
we will be alright if you were wondering.
Lonely is the word to describe Christmas without you,
When we were putting up the decoration for the Christmas tree every year,
it's sad to notice one less pair of hands.


The day before when you were coming back.

But I know you are coming back soon,
hopefully for 3 weeks in next January.
I promise I will buy you some gifts for your birthday this year.
If only you are here with us for Christmas.
I will give up everything,
if we could travel back the time when we were still in primary school.
but it's never possible.

so please,
do me a favor,
Don't grow further and further,
just try to stay the same.
Y.

Who woke me up?

Staring back at the face in the mirror,
sometimes I feel like I don't know her anymore,
it's me, upon reflection,
She seems fine,
She seems cheerful,
but she has a pair of sad eyes,
oh why? oh why? why am I
ever so unclear of the situation around me?
ever so forgetful?
ever so silly, slow-witted?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the smartest of them all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the happiest of them all?
How I wish I have the reply: "You, my lady. You are full fair,smartest and the happiest."
pretty impossible,huh?


I blame myself for everything I am,
how could I ask for more,
I should have been tougher and smarter,
I should have been a good girl,
following my rules,
but now,this thing is breaking down,
how can I ever show someone tears that I haven't shed?
how can I still finding excuses to covered up my sin?
I don't really know how long it's gonna take to feel okay.

Wednesday,
misty morning,
A perfect good day it is,
but bad luck is all I ever had for the whole day.
Y.

Like a Mermaid.

Fairy-tales sometimes may come true.
All you have to do is believe in it,
accept that miracles will happen,
held firm that one day they will all happen to you.


Listen to your every thought,
Follow your heart,
Don't ever allow your dreams to tear down and became a broken vow.
Dream Big,everyone.

Go after your dreams like Ariel,the little mermaid,
give up herself just to stay with her Prince Eric,
FEARLESS.



We should have stronger faith and bravery like her.
Y.

"If I’m honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all."
— Audrey Hepburn

Stay Close, Don't Go.

Staring at all the maths equations in front of me,
listening to Lil.Yvonne's explanation one by one,
I couldn't help but feeling blankly confused.
I know she thinks that I'm not trying,
but actually I did.
at least I tried to be focus.
Maths is so not my type! D:
Maybe I'm to blame for not being smart enough.
It's a shame that it has to end up this way.

I'm so glad that I finally got a call from residence saying that I can have a single room.
I always wanted a room all to myself,
especially when you have a twin sister sharing bedroom with you for 19 years.
but after 5 minutes,I regretted.
I have been so selfish,
I have been so unwise,
For now,
I'll do anything if I can shared my room with my sister for the rest of my life,
At least I have her here beside me.
We chased for different paths,
we know that we are separating,
I don't think I can ever accept this fact.
I cried suddenly last week when I saw her things laying untouched around the room,
how I wished she is there with me,
sharing everything together.

She's my best sister ever,
She's the one that I thank God every night to have her,
What's mine is hers,
Forever.
So stay close,don't go.
Y.

Sweet August.

Clear crystal water drops,
hitting hard on the window,
making some sort of rhythm I couldn't hum,
cold fresh air sneaked in through the open window,
Sometimes we just love rainy days,
although weather usually made things worst.

I'm learning to play "Back To December" by Taylor Swift,
It's been awhile since I touched my piano,
but there's no turning back,
I'm gonna pick up my piano skills again from now on,
musics soothed everyone,
so do me,
it's about time,
practices are required.

Btw,I went swimming with Mamsie and Lil.Yvonne yesterday night.
Flashing back to those memories I once knew,
from learning how to swim from a coach when I was a lil girl,
to playing jaws with daddy in the deep blue pool I once feared.
I couldn't help but smiling when the moment I jumped into the pool.
The feeling was crazy and awesome,
with water surrounded me up to my neck-length.
I can still remember the swimming movement and styles.
but it's really tiring after I stopped for so many years.
More practices too,eh?

I was curious sometimes,
about the feeling of skinny dipping in the middle of the sea,
and my hair flying and dancing around with the warm ocean-breeze.
Let's hope there's no sharks!
well,some of my friend told me that there're no sharks in M'sia.
but I don't think I will swim in M'sia's ocean in my whole entire life also.

My weekends almost end,
that means time to return to college, *sigh*
Alex's returning from his mission next thursday,
at least I have something to keep me alive and expecting. :D
xoxo,Y.

Chanson De Toile

Another Thursday, another day to fade,
I'm so so glad that tomorrow is Friday,
so that I can finally inhale some fresh air and relax.
The air in the city here is exhausting,complicating and suffocating.
unlike the sweet scent of fresh-cut grass back at home.

and finally,
new clothing for my nails after being naked for a long time. :D
not really pro at painting them tho.

Guess what?
I realized that I can actually sign up to play a role as a female vampire.
Saw my sharp teeth?


Teehee.
Alright, time to get serious.
Back to haunting down some food since I heard thunder striking.
xxoxo,Y.

A Night To Remember

That's Ma Boy!! :)


Finally fulfilled my wish for July by watching Captain America tonight.:D
It was awesome!!
I still can't get enough of Chris Evans!
Sweet people around me might started to get bored of me,
cause I actually blushed and talked a lot whenever the topic is around Captain A or Chris E.

Went to Chilis with Lil.Yvonne,Nadia & Harry after movie.
The night was real fun and memorable.
It's the night that I can finally put down all my burdens and lamentos behind.
and I laughed so hard about everything,
It felt so good and so right to be laughing again.
How I wished the night wouldn't have ended so quick.
Such a magical night that is. :D

I still have a lot of things to go through starting tomorrow,
mostly the tough one,
I'm responsible for my own mood swing.
I'm a big girl, I bet I can handle myself eh?
Dream big,Yvette. xxxo

You'll Survive.

I'm tired of everything.
Tired of being the peace-maker,
tired of faking a smile everytime,
tired of all these drama around me,
C'mon,give me a break!

Oh I couldn't have ask for more,
if only I could earn your smile,your happiness.
It's not about me,it's about you.
You're like a new-born bird,
learning to fly,
but you ain't got wings,
you tried to adapt into life,
but you failed on the way,crashed down hard,
and you got tired of your own messes,
you locked yourself into this small room, sinking,
leaving yourself to fade and hoping you will vanished outta here.
soon then,you can't even recognize yourself anymore,
cause you got nothing left to lose.

But I'm telling you girl,
turn your life around.
You still inhaling,
so it's a fresh new start,
stop caught up in every problem you have,MOVE ON!
So what if life beat you down?
just hide your loss and pull yourself back together,
face your future with self-reliance,
accept whatever you've got,
and start to build up your dreams again, from God's knows where,
you'll know if you get there,
don't ever turn back,
aim for the destination,we're all working hard on it,
Ignore those hurtful devils that would bring you down,
I'm sure you wouldn't cared less,
so chin-up,straighten your back,
then you will got yourself back again.

yours truly,
Y.

Who needs the world if I got my family.

I like waking up seeing that everything is okay,
I'm not a morning person,
waking up is the hardest part for me every single morning,
and I hate the thought that I have to roll outta bed and get down on my feet.
Unfortunately I can't sleep late at home,
for daddy, it's not a nice thing to do.

So I got up early this morning,
went breakfast with family,
without missing my bed like a child misses his blanket,
and I'm loving every minute of it!
It's the first time in my whole entire life that I woke up without a forcing smile or displeasure frown,
This is frightening at first, and a lil not possible,
and I still can't believe that I had that very quick peaceful moment.
It's perfect and true,how shocking!

btw,I made dumplings with Mamsie this afternoon,
It's my first time to chop some raw meats,like a butcher, :D
fill the fillings and fold the dumplings.
but my skill ain't good enough,
turns out my dumplings's skins are too thick,
but still yummy tho. :)




Human might be hurtful sometimes,
they chained their doors,put up their defenses and weapons to protect themselves.
But for those who're not guard up and all innocent,
they get broken hearts easily.
Ask me,if I'm the one,
but honestly I tell you,
I'm always the weaker one,
it's a family trait,I guess.

So for those hurtful people with your blazing sword out there,
don't cross over someone's limit.
Fool me once, shame on you,
but fool my family,you're a dead meat.
Just take note of that.

It's only July and I already started to miss the mistletoe on my Christmas tree.:D
xoxo,Y.

If we hold on together.

I can show you the world,
Shining,Shimmering,Splendid,
Tell me,Princess,
When did you last let your heart decide~

I paused everything on my hand after hearing those lyrics.
I don't know why but it just hit me hard,
like someone smacked me hard across my face.
These past few weeks were been so pathetic for me,
I tried to find a place where I can hide,
I tried to run away from reality,
but now I just wanna go home.
I just wanna go home.

Have a really fun and warming night with family over Chilis.
How I missed all the moments when we were together,
I tried to remind myself that anything can happen anytime,
This moment is beyond perfect,
and I couldn't trust this feelings,
It's too good to be true,
I was afraid, fearing that something bad will happen,
but I was wrong,
I must have been blind,
They are just the same,as always,
which knocked me hard once,
I must have been crazy to have a thought like that.

I should really get some beauty sleep now,
no more excessive sleep tomorrow,
and no more spoilt food from tomorrow onwards.
I'm gonna treat myself well starts from tomorrow,
like a princess,
a real princess.

Someday,when I'm awfully sick or in deep lamento,
I guess I will sit by the window,
and figured everything out,
and maybe,
finally,
I'm turning back for home. :D
Y.

Unchained Freedom

Oh here I am,standing here,
I was alright,for awhile,
but only for awhile.

I'm scared of the dark,
I'm scared of the coldness in the air,
I don't actually remembered,
how my tears were stopped,
is it through millions of words?
or through thousands of faked smile?

It was tough standing alone,
struggling by yourself,
so so tough.
Screw all those quotes,
"Us standing against the world",
now it's just me alone,
"Me standing against the world",
standing against all the hurtful teases,
hurtful glances,
hurtful words.

There's no laughter in the air,
only silence everywhere,
the moment the elevator close,
I couldn't control myself,
I couldn't help but starring at your back,
crying silently.

Where do I belong?
how can I go on?
How am I suppose to live a world like this?
I really feel like burning the map,
and disappear,
escaping to anywhere but here.

I cried in the night,
I'm just trying to hold on,
No one can hear me,
I'm all alone.
Y.

I just wanna have fun!!

My brother Alex is back in town today!! :D
He landed this morning,too bad I have to stuck in hostel for the week.
I can't wait to go back home.
Lil.Yvonne too is having a vacation at Penang with her bunch of friends.
She's probably snapping photos,tasting good food,buiding sand-castle,bbq-ing somewhere in that little town,
envy,envy,envy.
One thing in Penang,you should have a thick sunglasses to fight against the huge UV-ray. or you will be medium-rare or even fully-cooked.
With siblings all having long breaks,
how can I be not-tempted? :'(

Bought two private journals just now,
Oh my,they cost a lot.
Ask me in private if you want to know the price of each book,
I'm not gonna post it here to avoid being labeled as "super books-buyer".
I love them very very much!!
I'm too afraid to spoil them with my ugly handwriting.Lets hope not.


In the inside.



and I spotted this in Mid-valley just now.
Guess who's this?

I'm going crazy!!!!!!!


Exams coming up.
Patience, Yvette,
wait for another two weeks,
then you can rest and enjoy for awhile.
Grateful. :) xoxo,Y.

Could it be finally?

How I wished that I can clear this messes up.
My day has been started good,
until you came and messed this up.
I was wrong,SO SO WRONG to think that you must have cared a bit.
but turns out you wouldn't care less.
I don't think I can carry on further.
The urge inside me of running away is strong.
So strong.
your ignorant is like a sharpen sword,
leaving my soul to bleed.


Could it be finally,
I'm turning from my so-called home? Y.

Just When My Anger Started to Cry.

You win again,beautifully.
I lose,just like usual.
like a criminal,
like an offender,
like a sinner,
with massive guilt running inside my veins.

I put up my own defense,
I prepared my weapon,
but you've hurt me without even try,
with your sharpest words,
the battle didn't even start.

I'm the one who raise the white flag,every single time.
I'm the one who make trouble out of nothing.
I'm the one should apologize.
I smiled enough,
got freaky enough.
and I don't think I can take it anymore.
someone take me outta here,
everything is in a mess.

I tried to hide my fear,
that's why I'm being fussy,
I'm really angry with you,
but still this guilt inside me makes me suffocating,
Your ego-ness is so huge that I can't even breath.
and serve me right,
my tears can't hold when you turned your back to me,
I fell apart, crying inside me, crying hopelessly,
Now I'm all lonely as I can be.Y.

Dear John.

Another love story.
Another one to make me cry,
and a few heart-aches.


"Two weeks together, that's all it took, two weeks for me to fall for you."


"I have no idea where you are out there in the world, John... But I understand I lost the right to know these things long ago... No matter how many things go by... I know one thing to be as true as it ever was... I'll see you soon then" -Savannah Curtis

LOVE,love,love,love.
xoxo.Y ❤

Is Sick. :(

My breath is hot, and I feel like my skins are burning.
My brain is in dizziness,and I cough non-stop.
Apparently,I'm sick. :'(
I've been thinking whether I caught a cold from the dirty rain last wed or,
too much fast food for the week,
I'm feeling terribly sick right now. :(
awfully sick.

Have been listening to BBC radio London for the past few hours,
British people are sexy in their accent,
Appropriate and Proper.
Wish I can speak like them.

Still feeling hot!!!
Someone saves me!!! D:

Truth Or Dare?

Playing truth or dare is just like flipping a coin,
you have decisions to make.
Either side you get,you will have the other side loss.

I always have problem in making decision.
I regretted about my decisions I made almost everytime.
It's pretty horrendous.
I guess that's the reason why I always follow people's choice.
I'm tired of sinking deep in huge disappointment.
Dropping Macro?
Hope I'd made a wise choice.

BTW,thanks Chin Wai for sending us back to hostel when outside was pouring heavy rain,
although you're not willing at first. :)

Grateful cause "Today's special dinner" is Mamsie's cooking.
God,I missed good food.
Thanks you mom! :D

and a very Happy Birthday to him!!
without him,I would still be walking on a miserable path instead of stepping towards my dreams of being an accountant.
Hope you have many returns on your birthday!! :)



Aoi Teshima.Google her.
She has the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard.
Y,xoxo.

Kiss The Morning Dew.♥

One thing I hate about starting of a new semester is that I had to deal with registering subjects problem.
There is always a problem waiting for me everytime I enroll my subject.
5 semester already,never once failed.
Seriously,I'm very disappointed in HUC registering system.
A letter required for extra subject-taking.
Oh come on,this has got to stop!!!
It completely ruin my day and did me extra long-walking and in the end that extra journey ends for nothing!

but still,
I see that life is beautiful.
Although I'm super busy this week,classes mostly ended around 6pm,
and hit the bed after my bath for a power nap,
I still get to get on the bus although people are pushing around,
I still get to see the baby-orange evening sky when I walked back,
I still have Lil.Yvonne waiting for me to come back everyday and give me a Big smile,
I still get phone calls from Mamsie to released my stress,
I still get to have breakfast with friends before class,
I still have hopes for my future,
I still have little things to laughed on everyday,
Everything is easy now,because I have everything,
and I really appreciated them.

From a distance,the world looks completely different.
try find simple things that make you smile,

Once you found that special thing,
You're flying without wings. :)
xoxo,Y♥.