Right Back Where I Started From

It’s been a while since I last posted on my blog.

Well, many things happened and I don’t know where to start with.

There have been fear, tears, frustration and joy.

To those who doesn't know yet, I have switched my course to American Degree Program.

Yes, I have to start all over again, like a newborn duckling learning to fly.

Of course, I was unsure and bewildered at my choice at first,

It’s a huge giant step that I’m stepping in, and I have no idea what my future is going to be like.

Australia no longer and never was my choice.

Luckily, my lack of enthusiasm towards Aussie seemed to lead my mom to different thinking.

For now, my plan is United States, America. 
2014, perhaps?

Many people wondered, why am I fool enough to retake everything and start fresh.

Well, I guess this is the tricky thing about growing up, you never knew what is going to happen.

The path seems straight, but you slipped, tripped, and fell along the way.

These days, I have done a lot of thinking. And I mean A LOT.

I have come to realize that sometimes it is not about age.
 It’s about whether you have grown.

Age meant so much to me in the past. I dislike growing up.

I dislike the feeling of getting old.

But there are just so many things happened lately that I am really thankful that I’m not 18 anymore.

The way you think, the way you talk, and perhaps the way you see things, they are uneven anymore.

Sometimes, everything seems easy;

But other times, they seem so complicated.

You felt right and you felt wrong now and then,

And you just couldn’t figure out why.

I think it’s important that no matter how much you have grown, how much you have been through, do not be afraid to be yourself, for God has given you only one face. Don’t make yourself another.

Broken Lullaby

Heart twisting stories,

I'm tired of 'em.

Love at first sight? I think no.

I split "Duh?!", as you yearn for help.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe you.

You seem innocent, you seem desperate.

I shook my head, I asked myself,

"What's wrong with you, you seem so doubtful."

and that's true. So true.

I don't want to listen to another love story,

Cause I'm tired of believing in them.

This kind of thing, I suck at it.

What if I climbed the highest mountain?

What if I found the rarest flower on the earth?

What if I wrote the best love story?

Would you care? You just don't care.

What's left of me?

I'm absolutely, entirely, utterly miserable.

Our Love That Never Was.

Buy me some roses, if you would.

Show me your love, if you could.

Somber night, I couldn't think through.

Short bashful e-mails, all four of them,

lay ahead of me as I clear out some memories,

You seemed desperate, you seemed sorry.

Was is my smile? or my seriousness that blinded you?

As I think back, you are the love that I nearly got.

You tried some soul-searching, but my choices are firm.

Thus, we stopped right in the middle.

and I tried to sleep better at night.

You appeared and faded away, in this tiny dream of mine.

but it's over now, whatever this thing is called,

Our love that never was.

Thorny Roses.

The room have never seems this cold before.
I have never been so hurt.
Both humiliated and angry.
Believe me,
I had tried extremely hard not to scream.
My lips were frozen in great fear.
As you go on and on,
with your words like swords and razor blades,
I just shook my head and stared at you,
in disbelief.
in great despair.



As I look back,
way back way back to the moment I said I love you,
I was serious.
Were you? I wonder.
You brought me to tears every single time,
Even now.
I should have known,
that you are not the exception from any other guy out there.
No matter how hard I tried,
I can't seem to keep up to your pace.

Your words were so sharp,
and I had died a little bit inside.
My mistake,
I thought you are different from her.
I was wrong.
Past memories,
I'm all lost now.

I don't wanna feel this way.
Only 19, but tired. Very.
With nothing is fine,
I wanna get outta here.
It may hurt so much,
but I will try to hold on tight.
Y.

Lady by the Lake

Off her face, she pulls back a thick strand of her hair.
With the sun shining gloriously,
her gaze locked onto the baby-blue sky.
It's a cloudless sunny day but her heart melts like the snow.

It's funny when it comes to love,
you seem elated ; you seem miserable.
The urge for her to leave is strong,
and it cause her almost to stumble on a curb and twist her ankle.
She lost herself somewhere on the way.
She says she could use some help along the way.
So I showed her what it was to cry.



The water around her was peaceful.
and she once saw some baby fish.
She held her chin up high,
just staring blankly at the sky,
and she realised,
she's not alone.
She will never be alone.

When I wake up tomorrow,
everything is going to be fine.
When I wake up tomorrow,
the sun will shines out bright.
I could use some cheering up.
and I miss God.
I miss God.

Fearless.

Please stop all the judgement and questions.
for I don't deserve any of them.

Please keep the reservation of your sympathy to yourself,
for I don't need any of your sympathies lies.

I could go back to my every laugh whenever I want to,
I have everything figured out myself,
Yes, I fell down from the cliff.
Once again, I'm hurt and can trust no one,
something has gone terribly wrong,
and I'm trying hard to swallow my pain.
You can said that I'm foolish,
but you can't said that I'm not trying.

I guess I'm fine,
I bet that I will be fine,
I tell you,
I ain't gonna fall anymore.
I will rise from the ground and get back up,
just in case you were wondering.

Well, as for now,
I guess I will just close my eyes,
tied myself together with a smile,
and said to myself:
"Get well soon, Yvette."

Y.

Il mio cuore è rotto

Huge sigh,I bent my head down.
Tears are dripping sore as I shakes my head,
My hands are clenching into a fist.
I guess I just couldn't take this anymore.

Yes,
I'm over-reacted.
I'm so insecure.
My patience is fading fast,
My mood is swinging, up and down,without any secure rhythm,
Never in my life I felt so alone,
Never in my life I felt this broken,
This feeling is so discomfort.
I'm so bloody in pain,
and I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I realized,
I'm not the only girl in this town.
There's more than one petal on a rose.
There's more than one bird in the sky.

Coldest eyes.
You've got the coldest eyes and the softest smile.
Your memories hurts the most.
How could an angel brings me unstoppable salt tears?
I'm so drunk in pain these days.

I can't go on living this way,
I wanna feel alive again.
I wanna breath life into the dead sea.
I don't want to lost control anymore.
Please Yvette, just once.

Someone catch me as I fall.
Y.

As my world turn.

Desire.
is the thing I mostly need now.
I need to lust for something to keep me going.
I'm stuck at nowhere,
something inside me is fluttering,
my hands is shaking,
and I don't know which way to go.

It's deep inside,
I can feel it,
but I can't tell what it is.
It's creepy,
it's tight,
and frustrating,
I wanna make a quick getaway.

Oh my,I think I'm losing myself,
it's like someone took my heart away and turned it inside out.
even swimming at night doesn't help.
I guess it's time for me to wave the white flag,
and turn myself in to Him completely.
There, maybe I will survive again.
Y.

You'll think of me.

Slowly, you embraced me.
With your strong arms as I paced forward.
I hold on my breath,
tried really hard not to picture you waving goodbye at me.
It was a quick hug,
short and simple,
safe and secure.
You made us think that you are worth the while,
for us to wait for the day you return.

To you, everything is beautiful.
You have no reason to be sad.
You seems cheerful everyday,
though there have been tough days.
Time seems to slow down whenever you're around.
Oh, how I wish you could stay longer,


same place,same target.

Saturday night,
Stood there and watched you gone sitting on the passenger side.
You seems to keep your emotions perfectly under control.
I can see your unwillingness,
It's written all over your face.
I looked away as you waved at us,
pretended to be caught on something,
blame it on my emotions inside,
I couldn't bring myself to meet your eyes,
I don't wanna break down,
I don't wanna to have this weird feeling.
In fact I felt a whole lot better when I turn myself away,
knowing that you will think of me when your're not with us.
I should never say goodbye because:
"Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting." - Peter pan


Well,
we will be alright if you were wondering.
Lonely is the word to describe Christmas without you,
When we were putting up the decoration for the Christmas tree every year,
it's sad to notice one less pair of hands.


The day before when you were coming back.

But I know you are coming back soon,
hopefully for 3 weeks in next January.
I promise I will buy you some gifts for your birthday this year.
If only you are here with us for Christmas.
I will give up everything,
if we could travel back the time when we were still in primary school.
but it's never possible.

so please,
do me a favor,
Don't grow further and further,
just try to stay the same.
Y.

Who woke me up?

Staring back at the face in the mirror,
sometimes I feel like I don't know her anymore,
it's me, upon reflection,
She seems fine,
She seems cheerful,
but she has a pair of sad eyes,
oh why? oh why? why am I
ever so unclear of the situation around me?
ever so forgetful?
ever so silly, slow-witted?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the smartest of them all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the happiest of them all?
How I wish I have the reply: "You, my lady. You are full fair,smartest and the happiest."
pretty impossible,huh?


I blame myself for everything I am,
how could I ask for more,
I should have been tougher and smarter,
I should have been a good girl,
following my rules,
but now,this thing is breaking down,
how can I ever show someone tears that I haven't shed?
how can I still finding excuses to covered up my sin?
I don't really know how long it's gonna take to feel okay.

Wednesday,
misty morning,
A perfect good day it is,
but bad luck is all I ever had for the whole day.
Y.

You'll Survive.

I'm tired of everything.
Tired of being the peace-maker,
tired of faking a smile everytime,
tired of all these drama around me,
C'mon,give me a break!

Oh I couldn't have ask for more,
if only I could earn your smile,your happiness.
It's not about me,it's about you.
You're like a new-born bird,
learning to fly,
but you ain't got wings,
you tried to adapt into life,
but you failed on the way,crashed down hard,
and you got tired of your own messes,
you locked yourself into this small room, sinking,
leaving yourself to fade and hoping you will vanished outta here.
soon then,you can't even recognize yourself anymore,
cause you got nothing left to lose.

But I'm telling you girl,
turn your life around.
You still inhaling,
so it's a fresh new start,
stop caught up in every problem you have,MOVE ON!
So what if life beat you down?
just hide your loss and pull yourself back together,
face your future with self-reliance,
accept whatever you've got,
and start to build up your dreams again, from God's knows where,
you'll know if you get there,
don't ever turn back,
aim for the destination,we're all working hard on it,
Ignore those hurtful devils that would bring you down,
I'm sure you wouldn't cared less,
so chin-up,straighten your back,
then you will got yourself back again.

yours truly,
Y.

Who needs the world if I got my family.

I like waking up seeing that everything is okay,
I'm not a morning person,
waking up is the hardest part for me every single morning,
and I hate the thought that I have to roll outta bed and get down on my feet.
Unfortunately I can't sleep late at home,
for daddy, it's not a nice thing to do.

So I got up early this morning,
went breakfast with family,
without missing my bed like a child misses his blanket,
and I'm loving every minute of it!
It's the first time in my whole entire life that I woke up without a forcing smile or displeasure frown,
This is frightening at first, and a lil not possible,
and I still can't believe that I had that very quick peaceful moment.
It's perfect and true,how shocking!

btw,I made dumplings with Mamsie this afternoon,
It's my first time to chop some raw meats,like a butcher, :D
fill the fillings and fold the dumplings.
but my skill ain't good enough,
turns out my dumplings's skins are too thick,
but still yummy tho. :)




Human might be hurtful sometimes,
they chained their doors,put up their defenses and weapons to protect themselves.
But for those who're not guard up and all innocent,
they get broken hearts easily.
Ask me,if I'm the one,
but honestly I tell you,
I'm always the weaker one,
it's a family trait,I guess.

So for those hurtful people with your blazing sword out there,
don't cross over someone's limit.
Fool me once, shame on you,
but fool my family,you're a dead meat.
Just take note of that.

It's only July and I already started to miss the mistletoe on my Christmas tree.:D
xoxo,Y.

Worst Night Ever

Nightmares aren't always related to scary monsters or white-y ghosts.
Sleepless nights are,together with PMS.
I couldn't sleep for the whole night.
Hot night air made me breath even more harder.
Funny tickles and bloody pain in my stomach hits me hard,
reminded me every seconds that I'm bleeding underneath.
I never been so in pain.
I cried.
I prayed.
Still,it doesn't work.
What about my sweet fairy-tale dreams?
I'm supposed to dream about them in this hour.
Clock's ticking fast and I started to get frustrated.
No used trying to clear away your hidden thoughts.
I still can't dozed off.

It's 8 something now.
Didn't sleep much.
Mamsie can stop worrying about me having excessive sleep.Ha-ha.
Guess I should go take a chilling cold bath now.
then there goes my finals.
Aloha books,bye-bye fun!

What about now?

So many things had happened in just a few days.
Bad news spread fast.
I still can't accept the fact that you have gone forever.
Fighting back my tears,I said a prayer silently.
I asked God,
Heavenly Father,why? to take her with you in such a hurry?
leaving all the sadness and loneliness behind,
just when they needed her the most.
I just couldn't understand Your plan.
Still,no one to answer me,
Left all my questions behind.

My heart is in pain. So pain.
An unknown feeling rushed into me when I looked at your beautiful face.
I tried to memorize your face,cause I wanna remember you forever,
though you never knew my existence.
There you laid,peacefully.
Where are you now exactly? I wonder.
Probably surrounded by beautiful angels,eh?
or sitting on Father's feet?
I'd like to believe that. :)

Final's coming.
and I still hanging there,nor up or down.
In the middle,I suppose.
I should find a ladder soon. Y.

Inspired by His quote again.

After sometimes,
I finally realized that sometimes,it's not your fault people are ignoring you,
or treating you badly.
It's their sense of style they are behaving,
by saying harsh words that would directly stab one's heart.
or have some attitude over you.
Again,I say,I don't judge.
I don't want to.
It just happened that my heart tickles and tighten whenever my beloved person got hurt,
by an immature intruder.

My week has been good.
am still trying to be a good girl.
My fringe grew long again.
Have to tied them into a plait.


Oh,and if you ever think of giving up after all the tiredness and evading dreams,
go watch Amazing Race,then get going.
Go on with your life,and live with no regrets.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
~William Shakespeare~

Turn around,Strike a pose

Accidentally,I'd finished my parts on econs assignment earlier than I think that's why I decided to come up here.
I'd changed my templates.
Nothing in particular,I just feel like changing it.
To the "NEW" me,maybe? (glass clinking)


Awana's Trip was superb!!!
I never enjoyed so much with daddy and mamsie in my life.
Playing arcade with your parents was kinda COOL,especially when you were my age.
I felt childish though,throwing tiny soft ball at the machine's screen. :)
and laughed so hard that my cheeks actually do hurts.
It's like a perfect vacation for me.
It's all in my sweet memories.♥







Then there goes HIS wedding.
At Concorde Hotel on a Sunday night.
The night was awesome.
and I had to call him "UNCLE" from now on.
I seriously wish they will be living happily ever after.
well,princes and princesses did that.



Hottest Monday ever and we were heading to mid valley.
7 of us makes quite a good team.
watched "THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU"!!!
Emily Blunt is a sugar!!! Love her!!
I love the movie but not them.How sad.
Maybe I'm living in my own world,heh... :) Who knows?


"The F4"

Oh ya,I had a very nice dream last night.
Although it's very uncrystal clear,
at least I could see his face.
It's felt so nice to start dreaming about good things again. :)

From now on Yvette,you are going to stop hating yourself.
you are going to treat yourself well.
you are going to complete your dreams.
and you shall be throne to be the queen of your kingdom.
I can do that,at least I guess so.

xoxox,Y♥

Hello Books,from: Nerdy Yvette

I'm going to be fast in this post.I still left a lot of studies pending.
Mid-term's next week.The clock is ticking super fast.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm studying all these subjects I'm taking this sem.
Accounting was fine to me,but Intro to Management?seriously?
to be honest,I kinda hate this subject.Marketing was way too far better than management.
Geez.
I'm currently locking myself in my room since Thursday.
Alone.
yesterday,Lil.Yv was out with her mateys,ice-skating somewhere out there.
and there she goes again now,out in somewhere celebrating someone's birthday.
I'm being left alone with my cold mashed potato and my thick fat text books.

I wanna go out,shopping.
I wanna go Home.I missed daddy and mamsie.
I wanna learn how to dance.
I wanna continue reading my "Hamlet" and "Pride and Prejudice".
I wanna try making dumplings. (cause I feel like eating now.)
I wanna breath in some fresh air.
I wanna do everything that I'm forbidden to do now.
Six days to go,and I shall be "quite" free.



Someday, in future,
will someone can actually kissed away all my pain?
will someone step forward and take my hand?
will someone make me his everything?


I want someone to climb up the balcony just to have his eyes on me.
I guess I'm too addicted to Romeo & Juliet.
should go back to my books now,sigh.and...

I still want my Hamlet...(whining)Y.

Fairytale? Sucks.

I couldn't understand the mixture twisting inside my brain now.
I'm felling very tired after a bad bad day.
I don't feel like crying, nor smiling,nor hurting myself.
I just wanna sigh,sigh,sigh to death.
Deep inside me are all massive guilty,memories,fear.
I wanna blame others for my despairing feeling for lighter guilt.
I have been forcing myself to be strong all this while.
Just because I looked cheerful doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside.
I shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't be emotional.
I shouldn't be jealous of her.
I shouldn't hate myself this much.
I should have broken down,and cry until my eyes become blind.
I should have continue to write,to draw,to sing my lungs out.
Memories.It hurts me like hell.
Invisible warm aching came out whenever I stared out blankly and think about it.
Good memories always hurt you the most.
Once upon a time,I shone like a princess in your eyes.
Not now,obviously.
It's surprising that angels can hurt me.
I wanna stop falling apart.
I don't wanna loose my mind.

You don't understand what I'm feeling inside.
I couldn't say out loud the words inside me.
but then you're gone.
leaving my words remain unsaid.

Cold as Stone.

Midnight.
In the small uncozy bathroom.
Shivering in pain,facing the narrow wall.
Hot water poured down from the shower head,hitting hard on my bare skin.
Covered my whole moisten skin around by hot compressed steam,I never felt so relief.
Closing my eyes,I think of everything.You,you,you and you.
Silent thigh pain kills me,makes me feel like crying.
but no tears came out.
No matter how hard I knitted my eyebrows in a frown.
No matter how hard I tried to moaned in pain.
No matter how hard I bit my lips.

Shocking pains are killing me.
and my heartbeat pulsed fast,yet weaken down whenever I'd tried to breath.

Cold air slapping on my warmed body when I open the door.
It hurts,like thousand of needles.
Shivered like mad,I left the bathroom.
and head for another enduring pain.

Hot water doesn't help.
not as I was hoping it will.

Goodnight,people.
Yvette.

Somehow I wish I could drive.

They said one's BFF(s) are always their secondary school friend.Indeed,that was very true to me.In school,I don't usually belonged to one gang.I'm always the fit-able one to any gang.Seriously,any gang.Good friends are anywhere and everywhere,but not best friends.

Over at my house today.Three of 'em.Having a lots of fun juicy gossips on my bed.Some of my precious were being tortured too!!! *sobs* They are just so violence.
and guess what? we played my old Barbie Doll.All these years I'd been trying to find someone to play with me.Bad luck that my sis don't play with me.She smirks at me and shakes her head.At last,I'd found my group.Ha-ha.Barbies are so fun! But I'm kinda surprised when mom smiled at me and said "Go and play on the floor." I happily carried the huge pink box to the living room and started to place a home for my Barbie and her babies.Oh my,how I missed the old time playing dolls and talked to them in secret...Daddy will said that I'm hopeless and childish ha-ha. :p

Feels like writing much but am really fighting hard against my eyelid.Wish to hang out with them tomorrow,but nobody's fetching me. *sobs*
and I hate it when someone is fetching me both going and coming back .I felt useless because I'm wasting people's petrol and don't know a single thing about driving.
They are fetching me tomorrow.
and I felt more useless. :(
Quiet now.