Right Back Where I Started From

It’s been a while since I last posted on my blog.

Well, many things happened and I don’t know where to start with.

There have been fear, tears, frustration and joy.

To those who doesn't know yet, I have switched my course to American Degree Program.

Yes, I have to start all over again, like a newborn duckling learning to fly.

Of course, I was unsure and bewildered at my choice at first,

It’s a huge giant step that I’m stepping in, and I have no idea what my future is going to be like.

Australia no longer and never was my choice.

Luckily, my lack of enthusiasm towards Aussie seemed to lead my mom to different thinking.

For now, my plan is United States, America. 
2014, perhaps?

Many people wondered, why am I fool enough to retake everything and start fresh.

Well, I guess this is the tricky thing about growing up, you never knew what is going to happen.

The path seems straight, but you slipped, tripped, and fell along the way.

These days, I have done a lot of thinking. And I mean A LOT.

I have come to realize that sometimes it is not about age.
 It’s about whether you have grown.

Age meant so much to me in the past. I dislike growing up.

I dislike the feeling of getting old.

But there are just so many things happened lately that I am really thankful that I’m not 18 anymore.

The way you think, the way you talk, and perhaps the way you see things, they are uneven anymore.

Sometimes, everything seems easy;

But other times, they seem so complicated.

You felt right and you felt wrong now and then,

And you just couldn’t figure out why.

I think it’s important that no matter how much you have grown, how much you have been through, do not be afraid to be yourself, for God has given you only one face. Don’t make yourself another.

Sightless Fear

You claimed to me nice and honest.

Never was any doubt in you,

You are the kind of person I've not had the pleasure of growing closer to them.
I believed we once shared a pretty pleasure moment.
Did we? Did you?
There's a mask you wore, my friend,
something fake.
and it disgust me. 
Plagiarize is a sin, 
take note of it. 
Should have known when we first met,
that you are a trouble,
doing things I could never imagined.


It's a shame that we didn't last long.
You once earned my trust,
but now you have lost all my respect.
So, stay as far as you can, girl.
For my curtains are closed.

Broken Lullaby

Heart twisting stories,

I'm tired of 'em.

Love at first sight? I think no.

I split "Duh?!", as you yearn for help.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe you.

You seem innocent, you seem desperate.

I shook my head, I asked myself,

"What's wrong with you, you seem so doubtful."

and that's true. So true.

I don't want to listen to another love story,

Cause I'm tired of believing in them.

This kind of thing, I suck at it.

What if I climbed the highest mountain?

What if I found the rarest flower on the earth?

What if I wrote the best love story?

Would you care? You just don't care.

What's left of me?

I'm absolutely, entirely, utterly miserable.

Our Love That Never Was.

Buy me some roses, if you would.

Show me your love, if you could.

Somber night, I couldn't think through.

Short bashful e-mails, all four of them,

lay ahead of me as I clear out some memories,

You seemed desperate, you seemed sorry.

Was is my smile? or my seriousness that blinded you?

As I think back, you are the love that I nearly got.

You tried some soul-searching, but my choices are firm.

Thus, we stopped right in the middle.

and I tried to sleep better at night.

You appeared and faded away, in this tiny dream of mine.

but it's over now, whatever this thing is called,

Our love that never was.

New Year. New Me.

I have never thought everything will turn out to be so magical.
Not since I received that disappointed midnight text message.
My expectations fell,
my hopes are dashed,
and I have not expected my day to be turn out like this.
There were strong anger at first,
then turn to huge disappointment.
I've tried crying, to let all my disappointment flow, but nothing seems to work.
You shouldn't have break your promises,
and I swore to myself there were no friendship between us anymore.

I picked up my unpleasant feeling and went to Shogun with my family,
Both Lil.Yvonne and I are the birthday girl so we got to dine in for free!
I was really having a fun time there.
Daddy and Mamsie cheered me up, as always.
It's funny how mamsie tried to cheer us up by saying something really sweet,
I tell you, parents are the best.
They will never leave.












Everything turns magical after our lunch,
Alex called. Saying that he'll be back soon.
My party turned out amazingly,
and I had a very great time and it's the first time I countdown for a new year with my friends.
I felt enchanting.
It's a wonderful close-down for my 2011.

Well, let's hope my 2012 will be a marvelous year,
cause I can't wait to dashed off all my resolutions.


Kiss goodbye 2011,
Kiss hello 2012!
Happy New Year peeps! :)

Life of a mess of a Dreamer.

Some time ago I was tempted by myself to close down this little blog of mine.
But part of me inside is not willing.
I wrote out my life and all the physical sensation I felt inside me,
seriously praying that no one is to plagiarize my pieces.
However,for the shades of grey I am feeling right now after reading my past blog post,
it is certainly not and never is my intention to emofied myself or my readers.
(Of course, if there are any readers)

I felt bad enough if my blog has ever made someone sad, I apologized.
It might not be a wise decision to close down my blog,
knowing that some of my friends might still be interested in reading it.

Way back to last week,
I had my very best day with my bunch of friends and my lovely sister on Thursday.
Lil.Yvonne and I are so excited about the Genting Highland trip and few's birthday celebrations,
though there is some issues arose with the new room-mate.
In the end the bunch of us managed only to have fun on two themed-park games,
which is the Merry-go-round(I forced them to take it with me) and The Flying Elephant(This I did not forced them) due to heavy mist and rain,
we did enjoyed much though.








Dinner at the famous steamboat restaurant with all eight of them was indeed very pleasant and delightful,
and I have someone to send me back to Sierramas!
That day was a magical day.








Mamsie is going to Thailand for a few days.
My, how am I going to survive?
I still have a little sister to feed to.
I missed her already,
like a child misses her blanket.
She kept sharing her cooking tips to me,
but I swore to her I was fine.
Well, we will see.
A little bit of malnutrition in me for a few days won't be a biggie, I guess?

Right now,
I wish there is someone who can lift my feet off the ground and sing me a song.
Y.

Thorny Roses.

The room have never seems this cold before.
I have never been so hurt.
Both humiliated and angry.
Believe me,
I had tried extremely hard not to scream.
My lips were frozen in great fear.
As you go on and on,
with your words like swords and razor blades,
I just shook my head and stared at you,
in disbelief.
in great despair.



As I look back,
way back way back to the moment I said I love you,
I was serious.
Were you? I wonder.
You brought me to tears every single time,
Even now.
I should have known,
that you are not the exception from any other guy out there.
No matter how hard I tried,
I can't seem to keep up to your pace.

Your words were so sharp,
and I had died a little bit inside.
My mistake,
I thought you are different from her.
I was wrong.
Past memories,
I'm all lost now.

I don't wanna feel this way.
Only 19, but tired. Very.
With nothing is fine,
I wanna get outta here.
It may hurt so much,
but I will try to hold on tight.
Y.

Lady by the Lake

Off her face, she pulls back a thick strand of her hair.
With the sun shining gloriously,
her gaze locked onto the baby-blue sky.
It's a cloudless sunny day but her heart melts like the snow.

It's funny when it comes to love,
you seem elated ; you seem miserable.
The urge for her to leave is strong,
and it cause her almost to stumble on a curb and twist her ankle.
She lost herself somewhere on the way.
She says she could use some help along the way.
So I showed her what it was to cry.



The water around her was peaceful.
and she once saw some baby fish.
She held her chin up high,
just staring blankly at the sky,
and she realised,
she's not alone.
She will never be alone.

When I wake up tomorrow,
everything is going to be fine.
When I wake up tomorrow,
the sun will shines out bright.
I could use some cheering up.
and I miss God.
I miss God.

Fearless.

Please stop all the judgement and questions.
for I don't deserve any of them.

Please keep the reservation of your sympathy to yourself,
for I don't need any of your sympathies lies.

I could go back to my every laugh whenever I want to,
I have everything figured out myself,
Yes, I fell down from the cliff.
Once again, I'm hurt and can trust no one,
something has gone terribly wrong,
and I'm trying hard to swallow my pain.
You can said that I'm foolish,
but you can't said that I'm not trying.

I guess I'm fine,
I bet that I will be fine,
I tell you,
I ain't gonna fall anymore.
I will rise from the ground and get back up,
just in case you were wondering.

Well, as for now,
I guess I will just close my eyes,
tied myself together with a smile,
and said to myself:
"Get well soon, Yvette."

Y.

Paris dream of mine.

First time sketching Eiffel Tower with my free hand.



It's always a dream of mine,

to be in Paris,

eating macarons,

sipping tea,

but this dream is yet to come true.

One day, with Lil.Yvonne eh?

Till then.

Y.

The Weather,the Sky,the Daily Routine

I'm pretty upset with the weather these days.
It's raining everyday and everywhere!
with the humidity running low outside,
I can't even take a walk or picking up flowers at the park.
besides the uncomfortable misty drops,
the vampires're coming back too,leaving itchy scars all over me.
Somehow I felt lucky I've not been bitten on the neck. (Too much Vampire's Diaries,I guess)



Been staying home lately after the ever-exhausting exams,
Frankly,there's never a competition between home and HR.
It felt so good to be with Lil.Yvonne again,
A Girls-outing on Monday was indeed very pleasant,
and I can't wait for our next outing again!
After all those tiring working days,
Oh,sometimes girls just wanna have fun! :)

I found my own sweet time relaxing on mom's bedroom coach,reading my book,
with warm beams of sunlight shines through the window,
No interruptions here,laying there undisturbed.
I'm at peace.





and I can't help but hoping and praying that I will be that peaceful for the rest of my life.
Y.

Beautiful Dreamer

I have my heart broken twice after watching "Beautiful Dreamer".
First time, I cried like there's no tomorrow.
Second time,I still encountered a few sharp pain invading my chest.
I remembered all those heart-wrenching moments.



It's not about the war,
It's not about the memories loss,
It's all about love.



Sometimes, love just can't get enough,
but other times, you wish you never have been in love.
Once you fell for someone,
you can't escape.
It's like you're in a maze puzzle,
only without the Exit Doors.

Sometimes I wished people would never fell in love,
if only I can get you outta my friggin' mind.
Y.

Il mio cuore è rotto

Huge sigh,I bent my head down.
Tears are dripping sore as I shakes my head,
My hands are clenching into a fist.
I guess I just couldn't take this anymore.

Yes,
I'm over-reacted.
I'm so insecure.
My patience is fading fast,
My mood is swinging, up and down,without any secure rhythm,
Never in my life I felt so alone,
Never in my life I felt this broken,
This feeling is so discomfort.
I'm so bloody in pain,
and I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I realized,
I'm not the only girl in this town.
There's more than one petal on a rose.
There's more than one bird in the sky.

Coldest eyes.
You've got the coldest eyes and the softest smile.
Your memories hurts the most.
How could an angel brings me unstoppable salt tears?
I'm so drunk in pain these days.

I can't go on living this way,
I wanna feel alive again.
I wanna breath life into the dead sea.
I don't want to lost control anymore.
Please Yvette, just once.

Someone catch me as I fall.
Y.

As my world turn.

Desire.
is the thing I mostly need now.
I need to lust for something to keep me going.
I'm stuck at nowhere,
something inside me is fluttering,
my hands is shaking,
and I don't know which way to go.

It's deep inside,
I can feel it,
but I can't tell what it is.
It's creepy,
it's tight,
and frustrating,
I wanna make a quick getaway.

Oh my,I think I'm losing myself,
it's like someone took my heart away and turned it inside out.
even swimming at night doesn't help.
I guess it's time for me to wave the white flag,
and turn myself in to Him completely.
There, maybe I will survive again.
Y.

You'll think of me.

Slowly, you embraced me.
With your strong arms as I paced forward.
I hold on my breath,
tried really hard not to picture you waving goodbye at me.
It was a quick hug,
short and simple,
safe and secure.
You made us think that you are worth the while,
for us to wait for the day you return.

To you, everything is beautiful.
You have no reason to be sad.
You seems cheerful everyday,
though there have been tough days.
Time seems to slow down whenever you're around.
Oh, how I wish you could stay longer,


same place,same target.

Saturday night,
Stood there and watched you gone sitting on the passenger side.
You seems to keep your emotions perfectly under control.
I can see your unwillingness,
It's written all over your face.
I looked away as you waved at us,
pretended to be caught on something,
blame it on my emotions inside,
I couldn't bring myself to meet your eyes,
I don't wanna break down,
I don't wanna to have this weird feeling.
In fact I felt a whole lot better when I turn myself away,
knowing that you will think of me when your're not with us.
I should never say goodbye because:
"Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting." - Peter pan


Well,
we will be alright if you were wondering.
Lonely is the word to describe Christmas without you,
When we were putting up the decoration for the Christmas tree every year,
it's sad to notice one less pair of hands.


The day before when you were coming back.

But I know you are coming back soon,
hopefully for 3 weeks in next January.
I promise I will buy you some gifts for your birthday this year.
If only you are here with us for Christmas.
I will give up everything,
if we could travel back the time when we were still in primary school.
but it's never possible.

so please,
do me a favor,
Don't grow further and further,
just try to stay the same.
Y.

Who woke me up?

Staring back at the face in the mirror,
sometimes I feel like I don't know her anymore,
it's me, upon reflection,
She seems fine,
She seems cheerful,
but she has a pair of sad eyes,
oh why? oh why? why am I
ever so unclear of the situation around me?
ever so forgetful?
ever so silly, slow-witted?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the smartest of them all?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the happiest of them all?
How I wish I have the reply: "You, my lady. You are full fair,smartest and the happiest."
pretty impossible,huh?


I blame myself for everything I am,
how could I ask for more,
I should have been tougher and smarter,
I should have been a good girl,
following my rules,
but now,this thing is breaking down,
how can I ever show someone tears that I haven't shed?
how can I still finding excuses to covered up my sin?
I don't really know how long it's gonna take to feel okay.

Wednesday,
misty morning,
A perfect good day it is,
but bad luck is all I ever had for the whole day.
Y.

Like a Mermaid.

Fairy-tales sometimes may come true.
All you have to do is believe in it,
accept that miracles will happen,
held firm that one day they will all happen to you.


Listen to your every thought,
Follow your heart,
Don't ever allow your dreams to tear down and became a broken vow.
Dream Big,everyone.

Go after your dreams like Ariel,the little mermaid,
give up herself just to stay with her Prince Eric,
FEARLESS.



We should have stronger faith and bravery like her.
Y.

"If I’m honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all."
— Audrey Hepburn

Stay Close, Don't Go.

Staring at all the maths equations in front of me,
listening to Lil.Yvonne's explanation one by one,
I couldn't help but feeling blankly confused.
I know she thinks that I'm not trying,
but actually I did.
at least I tried to be focus.
Maths is so not my type! D:
Maybe I'm to blame for not being smart enough.
It's a shame that it has to end up this way.

I'm so glad that I finally got a call from residence saying that I can have a single room.
I always wanted a room all to myself,
especially when you have a twin sister sharing bedroom with you for 19 years.
but after 5 minutes,I regretted.
I have been so selfish,
I have been so unwise,
For now,
I'll do anything if I can shared my room with my sister for the rest of my life,
At least I have her here beside me.
We chased for different paths,
we know that we are separating,
I don't think I can ever accept this fact.
I cried suddenly last week when I saw her things laying untouched around the room,
how I wished she is there with me,
sharing everything together.

She's my best sister ever,
She's the one that I thank God every night to have her,
What's mine is hers,
Forever.
So stay close,don't go.
Y.

Sweet August.

Clear crystal water drops,
hitting hard on the window,
making some sort of rhythm I couldn't hum,
cold fresh air sneaked in through the open window,
Sometimes we just love rainy days,
although weather usually made things worst.

I'm learning to play "Back To December" by Taylor Swift,
It's been awhile since I touched my piano,
but there's no turning back,
I'm gonna pick up my piano skills again from now on,
musics soothed everyone,
so do me,
it's about time,
practices are required.

Btw,I went swimming with Mamsie and Lil.Yvonne yesterday night.
Flashing back to those memories I once knew,
from learning how to swim from a coach when I was a lil girl,
to playing jaws with daddy in the deep blue pool I once feared.
I couldn't help but smiling when the moment I jumped into the pool.
The feeling was crazy and awesome,
with water surrounded me up to my neck-length.
I can still remember the swimming movement and styles.
but it's really tiring after I stopped for so many years.
More practices too,eh?

I was curious sometimes,
about the feeling of skinny dipping in the middle of the sea,
and my hair flying and dancing around with the warm ocean-breeze.
Let's hope there's no sharks!
well,some of my friend told me that there're no sharks in M'sia.
but I don't think I will swim in M'sia's ocean in my whole entire life also.

My weekends almost end,
that means time to return to college, *sigh*
Alex's returning from his mission next thursday,
at least I have something to keep me alive and expecting. :D
xoxo,Y.

Chanson De Toile

Another Thursday, another day to fade,
I'm so so glad that tomorrow is Friday,
so that I can finally inhale some fresh air and relax.
The air in the city here is exhausting,complicating and suffocating.
unlike the sweet scent of fresh-cut grass back at home.

and finally,
new clothing for my nails after being naked for a long time. :D
not really pro at painting them tho.

Guess what?
I realized that I can actually sign up to play a role as a female vampire.
Saw my sharp teeth?


Teehee.
Alright, time to get serious.
Back to haunting down some food since I heard thunder striking.
xxoxo,Y.