Sightless Fear

You claimed to me nice and honest.

Never was any doubt in you,

You are the kind of person I've not had the pleasure of growing closer to them.
I believed we once shared a pretty pleasure moment.
Did we? Did you?
There's a mask you wore, my friend,
something fake.
and it disgust me. 
Plagiarize is a sin, 
take note of it. 
Should have known when we first met,
that you are a trouble,
doing things I could never imagined.


It's a shame that we didn't last long.
You once earned my trust,
but now you have lost all my respect.
So, stay as far as you can, girl.
For my curtains are closed.

Thorny Roses.

The room have never seems this cold before.
I have never been so hurt.
Both humiliated and angry.
Believe me,
I had tried extremely hard not to scream.
My lips were frozen in great fear.
As you go on and on,
with your words like swords and razor blades,
I just shook my head and stared at you,
in disbelief.
in great despair.



As I look back,
way back way back to the moment I said I love you,
I was serious.
Were you? I wonder.
You brought me to tears every single time,
Even now.
I should have known,
that you are not the exception from any other guy out there.
No matter how hard I tried,
I can't seem to keep up to your pace.

Your words were so sharp,
and I had died a little bit inside.
My mistake,
I thought you are different from her.
I was wrong.
Past memories,
I'm all lost now.

I don't wanna feel this way.
Only 19, but tired. Very.
With nothing is fine,
I wanna get outta here.
It may hurt so much,
but I will try to hold on tight.
Y.

Fearless.

Please stop all the judgement and questions.
for I don't deserve any of them.

Please keep the reservation of your sympathy to yourself,
for I don't need any of your sympathies lies.

I could go back to my every laugh whenever I want to,
I have everything figured out myself,
Yes, I fell down from the cliff.
Once again, I'm hurt and can trust no one,
something has gone terribly wrong,
and I'm trying hard to swallow my pain.
You can said that I'm foolish,
but you can't said that I'm not trying.

I guess I'm fine,
I bet that I will be fine,
I tell you,
I ain't gonna fall anymore.
I will rise from the ground and get back up,
just in case you were wondering.

Well, as for now,
I guess I will just close my eyes,
tied myself together with a smile,
and said to myself:
"Get well soon, Yvette."

Y.

Il mio cuore è rotto

Huge sigh,I bent my head down.
Tears are dripping sore as I shakes my head,
My hands are clenching into a fist.
I guess I just couldn't take this anymore.

Yes,
I'm over-reacted.
I'm so insecure.
My patience is fading fast,
My mood is swinging, up and down,without any secure rhythm,
Never in my life I felt so alone,
Never in my life I felt this broken,
This feeling is so discomfort.
I'm so bloody in pain,
and I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I realized,
I'm not the only girl in this town.
There's more than one petal on a rose.
There's more than one bird in the sky.

Coldest eyes.
You've got the coldest eyes and the softest smile.
Your memories hurts the most.
How could an angel brings me unstoppable salt tears?
I'm so drunk in pain these days.

I can't go on living this way,
I wanna feel alive again.
I wanna breath life into the dead sea.
I don't want to lost control anymore.
Please Yvette, just once.

Someone catch me as I fall.
Y.

You'll Survive.

I'm tired of everything.
Tired of being the peace-maker,
tired of faking a smile everytime,
tired of all these drama around me,
C'mon,give me a break!

Oh I couldn't have ask for more,
if only I could earn your smile,your happiness.
It's not about me,it's about you.
You're like a new-born bird,
learning to fly,
but you ain't got wings,
you tried to adapt into life,
but you failed on the way,crashed down hard,
and you got tired of your own messes,
you locked yourself into this small room, sinking,
leaving yourself to fade and hoping you will vanished outta here.
soon then,you can't even recognize yourself anymore,
cause you got nothing left to lose.

But I'm telling you girl,
turn your life around.
You still inhaling,
so it's a fresh new start,
stop caught up in every problem you have,MOVE ON!
So what if life beat you down?
just hide your loss and pull yourself back together,
face your future with self-reliance,
accept whatever you've got,
and start to build up your dreams again, from God's knows where,
you'll know if you get there,
don't ever turn back,
aim for the destination,we're all working hard on it,
Ignore those hurtful devils that would bring you down,
I'm sure you wouldn't cared less,
so chin-up,straighten your back,
then you will got yourself back again.

yours truly,
Y.

Unchained Freedom

Oh here I am,standing here,
I was alright,for awhile,
but only for awhile.

I'm scared of the dark,
I'm scared of the coldness in the air,
I don't actually remembered,
how my tears were stopped,
is it through millions of words?
or through thousands of faked smile?

It was tough standing alone,
struggling by yourself,
so so tough.
Screw all those quotes,
"Us standing against the world",
now it's just me alone,
"Me standing against the world",
standing against all the hurtful teases,
hurtful glances,
hurtful words.

There's no laughter in the air,
only silence everywhere,
the moment the elevator close,
I couldn't control myself,
I couldn't help but starring at your back,
crying silently.

Where do I belong?
how can I go on?
How am I suppose to live a world like this?
I really feel like burning the map,
and disappear,
escaping to anywhere but here.

I cried in the night,
I'm just trying to hold on,
No one can hear me,
I'm all alone.
Y.

Just When My Anger Started to Cry.

You win again,beautifully.
I lose,just like usual.
like a criminal,
like an offender,
like a sinner,
with massive guilt running inside my veins.

I put up my own defense,
I prepared my weapon,
but you've hurt me without even try,
with your sharpest words,
the battle didn't even start.

I'm the one who raise the white flag,every single time.
I'm the one who make trouble out of nothing.
I'm the one should apologize.
I smiled enough,
got freaky enough.
and I don't think I can take it anymore.
someone take me outta here,
everything is in a mess.

I tried to hide my fear,
that's why I'm being fussy,
I'm really angry with you,
but still this guilt inside me makes me suffocating,
Your ego-ness is so huge that I can't even breath.
and serve me right,
my tears can't hold when you turned your back to me,
I fell apart, crying inside me, crying hopelessly,
Now I'm all lonely as I can be.Y.

Worst Night Ever

Nightmares aren't always related to scary monsters or white-y ghosts.
Sleepless nights are,together with PMS.
I couldn't sleep for the whole night.
Hot night air made me breath even more harder.
Funny tickles and bloody pain in my stomach hits me hard,
reminded me every seconds that I'm bleeding underneath.
I never been so in pain.
I cried.
I prayed.
Still,it doesn't work.
What about my sweet fairy-tale dreams?
I'm supposed to dream about them in this hour.
Clock's ticking fast and I started to get frustrated.
No used trying to clear away your hidden thoughts.
I still can't dozed off.

It's 8 something now.
Didn't sleep much.
Mamsie can stop worrying about me having excessive sleep.Ha-ha.
Guess I should go take a chilling cold bath now.
then there goes my finals.
Aloha books,bye-bye fun!

What about now?

So many things had happened in just a few days.
Bad news spread fast.
I still can't accept the fact that you have gone forever.
Fighting back my tears,I said a prayer silently.
I asked God,
Heavenly Father,why? to take her with you in such a hurry?
leaving all the sadness and loneliness behind,
just when they needed her the most.
I just couldn't understand Your plan.
Still,no one to answer me,
Left all my questions behind.

My heart is in pain. So pain.
An unknown feeling rushed into me when I looked at your beautiful face.
I tried to memorize your face,cause I wanna remember you forever,
though you never knew my existence.
There you laid,peacefully.
Where are you now exactly? I wonder.
Probably surrounded by beautiful angels,eh?
or sitting on Father's feet?
I'd like to believe that. :)

Final's coming.
and I still hanging there,nor up or down.
In the middle,I suppose.
I should find a ladder soon. Y.

Fairytale? Sucks.

I couldn't understand the mixture twisting inside my brain now.
I'm felling very tired after a bad bad day.
I don't feel like crying, nor smiling,nor hurting myself.
I just wanna sigh,sigh,sigh to death.
Deep inside me are all massive guilty,memories,fear.
I wanna blame others for my despairing feeling for lighter guilt.
I have been forcing myself to be strong all this while.
Just because I looked cheerful doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside.
I shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't be emotional.
I shouldn't be jealous of her.
I shouldn't hate myself this much.
I should have broken down,and cry until my eyes become blind.
I should have continue to write,to draw,to sing my lungs out.
Memories.It hurts me like hell.
Invisible warm aching came out whenever I stared out blankly and think about it.
Good memories always hurt you the most.
Once upon a time,I shone like a princess in your eyes.
Not now,obviously.
It's surprising that angels can hurt me.
I wanna stop falling apart.
I don't wanna loose my mind.

You don't understand what I'm feeling inside.
I couldn't say out loud the words inside me.
but then you're gone.
leaving my words remain unsaid.

The Worst.

The raining season was back.
Cool wind breeze coldly on my face,messing up my hair,and made me shivered.
No warmth against me.
I hate rainy days.

How I wish the wind can drift away the lament I'd faced.
how I wish the heavy pouring rain can wash away the guilt inside me.
how I wish the filthy raindrops can fall on my face,hard and chill.
so that feeling against the icy liquid,no one can sees my tears.
how I wished I could freeze to death.
Ugly truths.
Spoilt friendships.
Sea of guilt.
What's left?
Broken hearts. Y.

I'm not disappointed,just dis-appoint-ed.

Covering with a mask now.
Heart-breaking inside.
Something block my way.
I don't feel so well.

Struggling so hard to stand up and stay firm,
yet I'd still failed.
Dreams fade.
Things are not going the way you want them to be.

I can't take them anymore.
I'm scared,and fragile.
broken easily,easy peasy.

I'm So Dead

Just when I thought today can be label as one of my happy days,bad news popped out.

Feeling disappointed over you.
I don't expected everything from you ever again.
Okay,maybe not ever.
But,you kinda lost my respect.
Yet you can still giggling with whoever is that over the phone.

Another thing is,
my Macroeconomics.
Might be changing my classes all over again.
I don't want that to happen!
I'm fine with my friends,lecturers and everything!
Screw You Macro!

Shredded to pieces.
Excited mood pulls off.
Depression increases.
Having a headache.
I'm so so dead. :(

Recovering ♥

I cried when I can't get hold of myself anymore.I shouted when I couldn't take things anymore.I hated myself when all things go all wrong.I don't want that to happen.I'm starting to be fear and terrified of them.Depression,Sober,Fear,Stress,Guilt,Disappointed,these things can really make one's feeling dying in their heart.Just like the Me yesterday.Tears are like waterfall,filled my eyes,springing down my cheeks.I tasted it.It's Salty.More depression.*sobs*

I felt quite cheerful today.It's not about a good day had started.Sunlight wasn't there when I woke up today.I can't get my energy from it.It's not about I had my breakfast today,which it's a rare thing for me to do.It's all about love.I got love from family&friends.I guess that their love remind my existence.I am still here.I'm still myself.Thanks guys,you all remind me that I'm still there.Thanks for your big love.Thanks Sam&Kerly,♥you guys are the best!!Thanks daddy&mommy and Yvonne,your love makes me strong♥.I guess I can get through it now.

Yes.I'm recovering.I can do this.I can go on with my life.♥Girl have to stay strong.

Wynne & Ade dear,do cheer up okay.I know that you two are depressed today.I know you are tired,but let us strive for our best okay?Promise me.Troubles are like washing machines, they twist, turn & knock us around, but in the end we come out brighter than before.So my dear,get over it.Whatever is bothering you,get over them.There will be no fear if you refuse to be afraid.I am very emo and tired and depressed these day,you can read my feelings through my blog,but I'm recovering now,I am.I don't wanna you 2 to be emo.I love you all.I give you all the love.Can you feel it now?I gained love from friends and family,that's why I'm stronger now.So I am passing my love to the two of you.cheers okay.I want you all to be happy.I love the two of you.♥

Weaker than Ever.

Got back my Acc and adv.Eng overall marks again.Sucks.Guess I need to put a lot more effort to my study(which I thought I'd put enough).I;m not satisfied with my research paper.I worked so hard on it but in the end I'm still a failure.A big failure.Tomorrow are going to have my last presentation on micro.Grreat.I'm so not going to sleep tonight.

Why do things don't get better when they are supposed to？I'm curious.

I really hate myself these days.I guess I'd said billion times already.I know.I just can't help but hate myself more.I'm such a rotten person.I hate myself.There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside.

Guess that I'm not going to blog these few days.I had to pick up my broken pieces and glue them together.Just hope that everything's going to be alright the day after finals.Y.♥

I think I'm okay

I don't know what hurts me sometimes.It just hurt so much.I don't want to cry sometimes.Tears just roll down.I don't want to think too much but I can't stop my mind from thinking much.My cheek flushed with tears.I had try to stop my tears but no use,my strength is weak.Ha ha to me.

I know I have many ways to climb a mountain.Many ways to live my life.Many ways to worship God.But as the sky turn to grey,my heart just about to crack open.I did care.I hate myself for caring about you all.You all left me empty sometimes.I just want you all to be more considerate sometimes.At least one day for me.I'm hurt.It's funny when I become invisible between you all sometimes.Now my heart is empty.You all are not my fairytale.It's me who confused myself at the first time.I'm just persuading myself.

I don't want to fall to pieces.I just want to cry myself to death.Y.

It Hurts.

It Bored me when the same people come and cheer me up everytime I cry.It's not that I don't appreciate you all,I thank you all and love you all as well.It's my own problem.Hope I don't disturb you all.Sometime everything is so cold in me.I miss the sunshine.I miss the laugh.I miss the real smile on my face.How long could I take?I left no strength.Sometimes it do hurts.I'm bleeding and no hope for healing.

No complete healing.Everything goes wrong.I'm afraid.It seems life turns around.Standing in the dark,I'm lost.Someone come and save me.No one understand.Turn up the volume of my music and scream out loud.I am becoming a desperate "not a girl but not yet a woman".Feel like strangle myself sometimes.Feel like cutting my hair off sometimes.Feel like sleeping and never wake up sometimes.

I can't make it through everything.I am not strong enough.My faith is losing.My spirit is dying.My mind is complicated.I keep falling down.I don't want to become a fake person.I am tired of acting.When the wind blows and slowly the shadow covering me,I just want to hide,to give up.Won't somebody takes me home?Please take me to somewhere new.Nothing's going right.My everything is a mess.Good for me.Y.

Faith♥

My very own mood is swinging lately.I can't tell others my feelings.Probably happy,gray,blue,lust,maybe?craving for something?Maybe cheerful on the face but black inside?

From a shiny bright mood turned into black harden shape,just as you are drew far and far from me.Can't you see I'm trying hard to hide my pain?I had tried to ignore our problem.Don't you know that?Why did you give me the feeling that you don't care?You surely will denied whenever I talk about it.Do you really want me to get over it?Maybe I shouldn't have cared so much since you don't care.

Got back my accounting midterm marks today.I hate it.The red marks made me felt useless.63/83.Sucks.I'm sorry Yu Xiang,I think I've failed you.I'm blur like you always said.and I'm not as good as you think.I'm careless as usual.I don't really deserve an A for my SPM.I'm a failure.Don't get disappointed over me okay.

Message from Him said that letting go will make me wealthier and I must have faith inside me.I felt that actually I'm blessed for everything I had.I shouldn't have complained so much.Y.

It's not me,it's you

I am suppose to be happy and cheerful today...I had watch the movie that I "lust" for 1week. But its you who made me sad.it's you who let me down.it's you who let my cheerful mood all gone.it's you who ruined my day.If it's that what you want and it's your expectation,then I will said that you have won.I hope you enjoy your victory.

♡開心幸福嗎？♡

昨天的心情還蠻低落的，某些時候太執著了……
搞得自己很不開心……
又是回想，那又何必呢……
該開心的年齡，怎麽都成了憂鬱……
該有笑容的時候換來的是眼淚的代替……
爲什麽會這樣子……
有時很恨執著這東西……搞得我快瘋了……
一個人走的滋味很不好受……

今天開始很想快快樂樂的……
我行嗎？
笑容來了，幸福也應該回來吧？
笑容來了，眼淚該不會再掉了吧？
是不是這樣呢？
我好像得自己試試看……
由今天開始……給自己加加油吧！！
先給自己一個微笑……